The Bullshit Disaster continues.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Captain Rigoberto and the Psychedelic Boomerang Ship: A Journey

In order to ignore the stench of lame headlines and boring, bullshit stories circulating Baseball this week and to desperately combat all the negativity and doubt that's always swirling around and strangling me this time of year,
I thought about a few things, three "predictions," as useless and speculative as any other, to get me through this week of worthless shit talking.

-James Loney will fucking rule.
Some might call it a "break-out" year when Loney hits 25 home runs or hits 100 in. The thing is, Loney has been a solid, consistent performer, offensively and defensively and he's also only 25 years old. I think Loney will improve his numbers and establish himself as a premier first basemen but still be overshadowed by the numbers Kemp and Ethier put up again. Fans know what's up but nationally I think he'll be as underrated as he has been the past two seasons. And that's fine with James. The fans will show him love.
I hope I'm not jinxing anything but since I probably am, let's hope Martin and Furcal don't share a consistency of their own and offensively suck again.

-George Sherill will look like a cholo.
I don't want to jinx a prediction for Sherill to rule all because we need him to be the best set-up man in the game. We need him to lead the league in that bullshit statistic, holds? We need him to be there in case Broxton's too exhausted from fucking Brian Wilson's mom and forgets how to throw a strike. George Sherill will probably be pretty good. Our bullpen is a definite strength. I don't want to fuck it up.
But I will predict without question that George Sherill will be kind of fat underneath baggy pants and a jersey. He'll have a flatbilled Dodger fitted on. He'll have a good mustache and goatee upon a face of stone. George will look chingoooon.
The funny thing is that George Sherill's kind of a sweaty white dude from Memphis. And he likes White Zombie. Fuck yeah, George. Welcome to L.A., ese.

-Vicente Padilla will be a badass.
Shit, even if he loses his first five starts then needs Tommy John surgery, there's no denying Padilla's badassness. He just took a bullet to the leg and didn't give a fuck. Then publicly said so. Laughed it off, went and had a drink. Apparently Chinandega, Nicaragua doesn't fuck around.
With that said, I think Padilla will have a great season. If he picks up where he left off last season, stares down batters with a glare borne out of a civil war and ends up winning 14 or 15 games, he'll be an absolute badass. Here's to you Vicente.

It's still not spring yet. It won't feel like it until this baseball shit gets under way. The winter will subside and we'll all move on again. Then, there might be something worth talking about going on. Something beyond the headline, "Shane Victorino says he feels great about Phils' this season." Who gives a fucking shit? But you'll read on because time is currently stagnant. And work sucks and life sucks but hopefully the Dodgers will not.

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