If one were have asked me at the beginning of the season, what is your worst possible nightmarish mindraping disaster scenario for the playoffs?
I would have said, "No way could it possibly boil down to the four biggest stains on my life and sports in general, personally, ethically, godless fate coming down to strangle me while watching my house burn down...etc. etc." I would have just hit the bong again and forgot about it. I mean maybe three out of four teams in the League Championship series' at the very worst but no way all four would be my least favorite.
Lo and Behold, you motherfucking asshole world!
I can care no longer, I seized all feeling in early August so the way it has turned out is almost comical.
We're supposed to decide between the Yankees and Rangers. So the fascist guard of sports, the microcosm of all that is wrong, the raping of the Bronx, the billion dollar payroll, Steinbrenner somehow still smiling while he gets head from Satan in hell. Not to mention the complete lack of personality. At least stormtroopers are iconic and fictional. This is fucking bullshit.
And it's them against a team that, despite their lower payroll, lack of past success and Vladimir Guerrero, these assholes can't be cheered for because it makes George Bush think he did a good job. As he struggles with a 10 piece jigsaw puzzle, he probably thinks in his genocidal child's brain that he had something to do with this. So fuck him! And fuck suburban Dallas, megachurch, Fuddruckery cuntrags who didn't know who was on the fucking team until September. Rangers and Yankees on TBS. YEAH!!!!!!(sarcasm)
And in the National League, which is where I'm emotionally invested and the hatred lies more palpable, we have the two biggest pieces of shit in the world going at it.
For very obvious reasons, a Dodger fan might as well just put a gun in their mouth right fucking now and end it before it begins. But even when I somehow crawl out of my brain and look at the match up, I still want to vomit all over a teenage girl but Phillies fans got that covered.
See, because although exceptions abound and generalizing is an ignorant way to roll, in sports, especially when it comes to fan bases, stereotypes are often correct. Trust me, I was in San Francisco yesterday.
The Phillies have a bunch of assholes I don't like and a notably trashy and racist vibe to the organization. Ask Curt Flood. Plus, they whine and are darlings of the East Coast bias over the last few years, National League-wise, so they get Halladay and that whiny hick, Oswalt. Big deal. I'm just pissed off because I have to cheer for them. THEM! It's disgusting. It's Sophie's Choice. I think I should just drown myself in a piss puddle in the L.A. river.
And then the Giants, who will probably win it all just to spite every thought in my head. They are the fucking worst. I love when fat, redfaced stock brokers from Marin call my girlfriend a cunt at a game and then call security instead of back their shit up when I go after their throats.
Or the bleach-tipped yuppie scumbag who, three microbrews deep called my friend an Indian faggot.
These pieces of shit will be smiling at season's end as they listen to Sting in their Saabs and relax in their condo, on the ruins of the working class.
Giants, you are the yuppiest team around. Some of your fans are not but that's the face of it. All that's soulless and wrong with the world. Die yuppie scum. Fuck your fat seal mascot and orange fisherman hats for dumb cunts who started giving a fuck in the middle of the season.
The world will not stop gangraping me. Perhaps the apocalypse will interrupt coverage of the World Series but believe it, it's already begun. I'm fucking as done as I was mid-season.
The only way we win is if Frank McCourt is murdered by a prostitute.